In Which the Man Emperor Does Not Approve
by fsdfsdfsd
Summary: Set in the universe of "If The Emperor Had a Text To Speech Device," Kitten and Magnus break the news about their relationship to Magnus' family. Kitten/Magnus, crack.


The Imperial Entourage waited in tense silence for the Emperor of Mankind to pass his verdict. His head and eyes had been amongst the first things to decay, leaving no way for onlookers to guess the Emperors mood. The only beings in the chamber that hadn't stopped to watch were the robotic servitors as they went about monitoring the ancient life support systems that kept the Emperor's body on the edge of death.

Two colossal men stood together at the base of the steps leading up to the Emperor's Throne, yet both were dwarfed in size by the Emperor's skeletal form. One clad from head to foot in silver armor, which combined with his four meter figure to cut an impressive figure. The other was both taller and stranger; from his crimson skin to his horns and multicolored wings, no one could mistake him for a human.

The taller man kept his back stiff and head tilted at the minimum angle he needed to stare the Emperor in the skull. His single eye changed color at a rapid pace but was otherwise calm.

As the silence stretched, on the man in the silver armor slowly curled in on himself. When it reached the point where the man was clearly not watching the Emperor, the winged man took a silver gauntlet into his crimson claw.

" **SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.** " The Emperor of Mankind wrote, his text-to-speech device enunciating the words at booming volume. " **I SENT HORN-TITS OUT TO FIND AND RETRIEVE MY WAYWARD SECRETARY.**

" **INSTEAD OF PUTTING YOUR ABOMINABLY RECKLESS SORCERY TO USE FINDING HIS TELEPATHIC PRESENCE AND TELEPORTING HIM RIGHT BACK TO ME, YOU DECIDED IT WOULD BE A BETTER IDEA TO TAKE MY ONE AND ONLY TRUSTWORTHY AND NON-INSANE COMPANION, AND GO DICKING AROUND THE IMPERIUM TOGETHER.** "

"Well, technically-" Magnus the Red said.

The Emperor continued. " **THEN INSTEAD OF DOING THE REASONABLE THING AND TELEPORTING AROUND THE GALAXY TO ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER MISCHEVOUS, HACKNEYED SCHEMES YOU HAD PLANNED, YOU DECIDED TO HIJACK A FLAGSHIP AND FORCE IT TO ABANDON ANY PREVIOUSLY PLANNED TRIPS SO IT CAN TAKE YOU ON YOUR JOYRIDE.** "

"Technically, that was one of the ships reserved for use by the High Lords of Terra, so I do have the right to use it." The man in silver said quietly.

"He is the captain-general." Magnus pointed out.

" **AND THEN. SOMEHOW IN THE MONTHS OF TIME-COMPRESSED WARP-TRAVEL ON SAID SHIP, YOU, MAGNUS, MY ONE REMAINING SON STILL CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT WHO I CAN CALL ON AND ACTUALLY EXPECT TO GET A RESPONSE-** "

"I object to that pronouncement, father." From the entourage, a man almost as tall as Magnus and dressed from head to toe in bulky yellow armor spoke. "I will respond to any summons you give. And my mind is firmly rooted in reality."

" **-YOU, MAGNUS, DECIDED YOU'D RATHER FORCE ME TO ENDURE ALONE WHILE YOU FUCK MY SECRETARY. THE SAME PERSON I SENT YOU TO BRING BACK TO ME. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?** "

Magus for his part was floundering to be put on the spot. "Uh…" Never mind that the two of them hadn't gotten to that level of intimacy yet. "Well…"

The Captain General spoke with natural dignity, or at least well-constructed calm facade. "To… to be fair, he didn't make the decision alone. After all, it takes two to dance, or, something. At least with some dances."

" **SHUT YOUR COCK-HOLE, YOU PALLET-SWAPPED PASSIVE TOP YOU, OR I'M GOING TO GIVE YOUR ASS A PROPER ONCE-OVER LIKE KENTUCKY FRIED NERD OVER HERE COULDN'T.**

" **BESIDES WHICH, I'M CHEWING OUT MAGNUS FOR POPPING THAT CHERRY YOU KEEP LOCKED IN THAT AIR-TIGHT ARMOR OF YOURS. WHEN SOMEBODY IS DEFENDING YOU, YOU DO NOT GET IN THEIR WAY LIKE A TINY UNGRATEFUL CAT HELL-BENT ON SUICIDE.** "

"Pop my- You think I'm a-" The Captain General stuttered.

"I wouldn't-" Magnus began to say.

"I have a say in this too!" The Captain General said indignantly. "You can't just- just pick someone you want to pin the blame on and ignore everyone else, that's-"

" **FIRST OF ALL, I CAN TOO. I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR, AND I ASSIGN BLAME WHERE BLAME IS DUE. SECOND, YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THIS, BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AUTOMOTON. YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONS, AND THEREFORE ANYTHING THAT YOU DID OUTSIDE YOUR PROGRAMMING WITH MAGNUS HAD TO HAVE BEEN MAGNUS' FAULT.**

 **"AND THIRDLY; IF HE WANTS ALL THE POWER, THEN HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY.** "

"THAT. IS." Began the Captain General.

"BULL." Continued Magnus.

"SHIT." Said the Captain General.

"AND YOU DAMN WELL KNOW IT!" They finished in unison.

There was a moment of silence in the room, before the Captain General broke it.

"Seriously, your other companions over there must have ignored your orders hundreds of times, you think that's just them being 'buggy?'

"And you have asked me in the past if I was defying you- which I was- at the time- and you challenged me to a card game over it. Literally defied your orders- on one specific occasion- and you knew it, and acknowledged it, and you _still_ like to pretend I can't think?"

" **THAT IS-** "

"It's a logical paradox, when you think about it." Magnus said. "If someone is supposedly programmed to obey you unquestionably, but they refuse you anyways, Father, how can they still be programmed? Wouldn't that make them sentient by definition?"

" **I CREATED THE CUSTODES TO CONSIDER PROTECTING MY SONS AS ONE OF THEIR INGRAINED TASKS. NORMALLY THIS ORDER WOULD BE RANKED LOWER THAN OBEYING MY EVERY WORD, BUT OVER THE PAST TEN THOUSAND YEARS YOU MUST HAVE BROKEN SOMEWHAT AND RE-ORGANIZED THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR COMMANDS.**

" **MUCH LIKE A CHEETO-STAINED NECKBEARD RETARD WHO IS SO SEXUALLY REPRESSED THE ONLY WAY HE CAN FIND RELEASE IS BY SHIPPING CHAOS SPACE MARINES AND THE FUCKING TAU TOGETHER IN SOME KIND OF DICKLESS PUSSY-SLAPPING ORGY THAT WOULD BE SO LAME SLAANESH WOULD CRY, YOU HAVE** **CLEARLY RE-IMAGINED THE ORDER TO PROTECT MY SONS IN THE MOST DISGUSTING WAY POSSIBLE. NOW I AM VERY GLAD YOU NEVER WENT TO ULTRAMAR, FOR SEEING AS HOW YOU CHOSE TO 'PROTECT' MANGUS' BODY AND GUILLIMAN IS IN A COMA.** "

"OKAY, Eewwww." The Captain General shuddered, "Really? And I suppose the three idiots over there somehow re-ordered their 'Walk around naked' order to be top priority?" He gestured to three muscular men quietly standing in the Entourage, and wearing what could be generously called libertine clothing.

"Am I missing something here?" Magnus mumbled under his breath.

" **OBVIOUSLY.** "

"I object." Rogal Dorn said.

" **OH ME DAMN IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW, JOHNNY HURRICANE?** "

"You see, dear Father, you have contradicted yourself." Rogal said. "After you had been told that, of the Captain General, 'He thinks the caretaker job isn't gratifying enough,' you replied, 'Really? Oh. Implying that you knew and accepted that he had made that decision.

"And later, when Magnus inquired about the whereabouts of the Captain General, you told him 'He-he-he left. Sob.' And when Magnus asked, 'Why did he do that,' you said that, 'He traded positions with the three stripperific wonders because he felt his job was not gratifying enough. Sob.'"

" **ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, ROGAL? YOU'RE ACTUALLY QUOTING ME SAYING 'OH REALLY?' AS IF IT COMPLETELY VALIDATES EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID? YOU MUST HAVE BEEN INHALING TOO MUCH DUST FROM THOSE SHITTY LEGO LOOKALIKE FORTRESSES YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING IF YOU THINK THAT SHIT IS GOING TO SIT ASSWINKER.**

 **"YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK THROUGH SOME OF PERTURABO'S OLD SKETCHES? I THINK THERE'S STILL SOME OF THEM IN HIS ROOM, AND THAT WAY YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM A REAL ARCHITECHT.** "

"…What did you just say?" Rogal said.

"OH SURE, send him away just as soon as he starts bringing _logic_ and _reasoning_ into the conversation." Magnus griped.

" **HEY, I AM STILL UPSET WITH YOU-** "

"Or starts making evidence-based claims." The Captain General added.

" **THERE IS-** "

"Oh hey, aren't logic and reasoning the central elements of the Imperial Truth?" One of the three Custodes said.

" **NO, FUCK OFF.** "

"Is that 'No' as in, 'No it's not the Imperial Truth,' or 'No-'"

" **IT MEANS NO. FUCK YOU. YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG. YOUR WHOLE SHITTY ARGUMENT IS FUCKING STUPID. DAMNIT THIS IS INSANE. YOU ASSHOLES ARE FUCKING INSANE. THIS WHOLE DAMN SCENARIO IS FUCKING DUMB AND WRONG AND FUCK-** "

It was at this point, while the Emperor continued to jabber, that alarms began blaring and other warning signs of an incoming temper tantrum began to occur. Small explosions began occurring, psychically-powered lasers began firing, and other such phenomena signaled those present that they should start fleeing for their own safety.

Once the gates to the throne room were safely shut, those congregated had time to process.

"So, how long do you think he'll be like this?" One of the barely-dressed men asked.

"Judging from the size of it, I'd say we have a few hours or so." The Captain General replied.

For a moment there was an awkward pause. Then Dorn said, "Captain General. Magnus is not among those of my brothers I count as friends-"

"Yeah well same to you."

"-but I am here. And as father is in denial, it falls to me to say this: I am very happy for you two, and I hope you make each other happy. But if you hurt my brother I will kill you. And as tradition dictates, it will involve the use of a shovel or a shotgun."

With a look most solemn (ie his default face), Dorn added, "Preferably both."

"Wait, really?" The Captain General said, genuinely surprised. "That's… really good to hear. N-not that you might kill me, I mean, just that, you're not telling me I can't do this or don't have feelings or something."

"I can't say that I'd do the same for Kitten here," one of the three Custodes said to Magnus, gesturing to the Captain General as he did so, "nor do I see the point, honestly. That said, on behalf of myself and my brothers, we promise to respect the decisions you've made in regards to each other. If privacy and fidelity are what you desire, we shall not interfere."

"Mmyes, but if you ever find that Kitten here isn't… _enough_ of a man…"

"We're always open to turning a one-on-one into a party."

"Or a tango into a conga line!"

While Magnus shuddered, in the throne room one not-god-emperor had calmed down considerably.

" **WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, AT LEAST IT'S NOT A DAEMON. AFTER THE LAST TEN THOUSAND YEARS I WAS HALF EXPECTING HIM TO BRING IN SOME SIX-LEGGED MONSTROSITY WHO ONLY SPEAKS IN RHYME. WHAT A FUCKING HEADACHE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN.**

" **STILL, THAT ONE WAS MY FAVORITE CUSTODIAN. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT CALLING HIM MY SON OVER AND OVER WOULD PREVENT SHIT LIKE THIS, BUT APPARENTLY NEITHER ONE IS BOTHERED BY THE IMPLICATION THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS BOARDERLINE INCEST.**

" **IN HINDSIGHT, IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED BETTER IF I HAD STOPPED SOME OF THE PRIMARCHS FROM FUCKING EACH OTHER BACK DURING THE GREAT CRUSADE. OH WELL. THE TWO OF THEM MIGHT NOT BE ON MY SHIT-LIST, BUT I CAN'T LET THIS GO UNPUNISHED.**

" **I SUPPOSE IT'S TIME…**

" **TO INVOKE THE ANCIENT AND SACRED RITE OF THE COURTSHIP CHALLENGE.** "

He was, of course, pulling this bullshit out of His ass. But it was bullshit loosely based on ancient Terran myths of princesses as prizes, and it came out of The Emperor of Mankind's Majestic Ass, so it counted as sacred anyways.

(Thanks to Justin for helping write this and turnofphrase for inspiring me to write this.)


End file.
